Being Single and Opportunity for Growth and Evolution

Being single, an opportunity and a choice.

Often when I speak to folks who are either in an unhappy relationship, or just left one the there are two things that I notice. One, they will usually speak ad nauseum about their pain, anger, and their hurt. Secondly, what is that noticeable by its absence is the word “I”. And that’s a problem. Many people enter the single life for many reasons, divorce, and death, break ups etc. Being thrust back into a world of dating can be scary, but it also presents unique opportunity for review, reflection, and ultimately growth. Entering the single life brings about critical life choices, and how one responds to those choices, may determine the nature, and sustainability of future relationships. Entering the single life after a break up or divorce is a reflection on both parties in that relationship. Now that other person is gone, with no one else to blame the focus should be on self. Unfortunately too often, many of us fail to see the inherent opportunity in their single status and proceed to enter new relationships without resolving their own issues. Thus they fall victim to the trap of doing the same things and expecting different results. We live in an instant gratification society that places disproportionate value on the external rather than the internal, and a society that shows appreciation for superficial rather than substance. Sadly too many of our relationships has become a reflection of the culture. In the card game of relationships we gamble that we will succeed the next time, by pulling out the same hackneyed cards that resulted in the last failed relationship. Too often left on the table and never played is the card of friendship, and as a result the lynchpin of any successful relationship never becomes part of the process. How does that happen?

Boy meets girl, decides he is interested, and has a choice to make. That choice in many instances will set the tone for any relationship that ultimately develops. What card does he pull out? Often it will reflect what has worked in the past, his comfort level with that card, and the manner in which he reads the situation. But it’s a two way street. Often women, who offer a litany of complaints about the men they are in a relationship with, should look in the mirror. They saw the card that was pulled, and they too made a choice. What is interesting in both cases, both parties often find themselves in situations that bear a strong resemblance to others that preceded it. And in doing so they often fail to realize that by the choice to pull and to accept certain “cards”, they are breathing life into a familiar and unhealthy pattern.

What are the types of cards that are pulled? It could be status, looks, wealth and power, a need to rescue or be rescued, and often sex. What is the common thread? Escapism. The path to a relationship that goes through escapism is ultimately a ticking time bomb. Those relationships are fraught with extreme highs and lows, an emotional roller coaster that is draining and unfulfilling. Sadly, escapism too has become embedded into our culture. We seek escape hatches in many forms ,drugs, alcohol, careers, sex, sports, entertainment and yes - relationships. Often those cards that we pull out and/or accept are the chosen ones because they both push the buttons of our ego, while at the same time offer a diversion from our need to evolve and grow. Thus we enter those relationships incomplete as evolved individuals, but we seek out those relationships because we subconsciously think they compensate for our deficiencies. What we fail to realize is that we are either seeking to enable or be enabled. Those cards of wealth, status, good lucks, and sex appeal, all represent the soft underbelly of the ego. Those cards are often are transitory, and lacking the bond of friendship, they often are not able to survive the myriad of challenges that relationships face. All this is underscored by the number of people seek love but overlook the importance of “like” and therefore they often find themselves in a “loving” relationship with people they don’t even like.

In relationships like any other part of life there is a natural order of things, and learning to like a truly like person is a process that can only be forged through the process of friendship. Playing the card of friendship first, provides the greatest opportunity for both parties in the relationship to develop the building blocks of a relationship at a natural organic pace, develop a bond and chemistry, but most importantly allow time to determine for example when if at all the friendship should move into the realm of intimacy. I have been around for 50 years, and have heard the term “be friends first” hundreds of times. Yet in the real time, real world reality of relationships, in the context of a country that emphasizes escapism, live in the moment, instant gratification and hedonism, being friends first often gets pushed aside. The debris of emotional, physical, mental and spiritual baggage that litters the landscape of this culture is a reflection of the how we truly dismiss the notion and potency of truly being friends before embarking down the road of a true and lasting intimate relationship. It has been my personal experience that true growth and evolution can happen when we allow a friendship to blossom to full flower; there is liberation in developing a relationship according in concert with your higher self rather than succumbing to the lower angels who angle for those other cards to be pushed. For those who are currently single, I would encourage them to review the cards they are playing and ask themselves, are they on the road to a healthy, spirit filled, relationship, or continuing the pattern of relationship self sabotage? The choice is yours. Choose wisely.
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